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11:30 pm: im alot of things, im already torn
you know how it says that god hardens your heart so he could be the one to scrub the callouses off? like you have to cut off the dead layer to get to the new part? or something? thats what I feel like is happening, but ya...i dunno. Ive had to make alot of decisions lately which I feel are for my own well being, like cutting out a cancer. But I cant explain myself because I cant let myself be vulnerable or open a door to people twisting my words or my explanation-I feel like that has happened too much and im sick of it, so the only option I have is to keep all my cards as close to my vest as possible and try and move on in everyway. its been pretty easy for me to do (surprisingly easy) the past while, but today was hard. I feel like im totally in a massive loose/loose situation, and I have to choose which path would be better for me in the long run (after all this initial crap goes away), and I think I have. Ive prayed about it. I mean alot of good stuff has happened too; like I really have found a strong confidence in myself and for standing up for myself and not 'catering' to people any longer, and ive made/grown closer to some friends I wasnt close to before. But there are downsides still. and I just have to wait it out for the 'downsides' to totally go away and all Ill have left is the positive. ya...man.

this totally didnt make sense, but I guess it helped me.

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